ok so a blogger friend of mine got me to thinking. damn you cyndi! you can read her thoughts here to see what stirred the pot up. but if i am really honest, it really started with this post. i gotta stop reading that blog. anyway.
in one of her posts my blogger friend talks about realizing how she is afraid of men. when i read it, i thought to myself, “well that isn’t me at all.” men are my buddies. growing up as a tomboy, i always had a lot of guy friends. i was interested in sports, liked to do outdoorsy stuff and could talk their lingo. two of my best friends in elementary school were guys.
when i transitioned into a middle schooler, things did get awkward. i started becoming aware of what i wore, what i looked like and how much my boobs were growing. boys started getting cute and i definitely wanted to do more than play football with them. i stuttered around the guys i had crushes on but still maintained very comfortable relationships with guys in general. all in all, guys were still my buddies. i could walk into a group of them and become “one of the guys” very easily.
high school was the same. and college….or so i thought.
recently it has come up in therapy that i have created a barrier of some sort in my marriage. it is like there is a gap between me and my hubbie that i am reluctant to fill in or bridge over. i keep him at a slight distance, at arm’s length emotionally. i have always sensed this gap but would justify it with some dynamic in our relationship that needed work, or i would blame it on his lack of this or that. but the reality is that this gap has always existed between me and the men in my life.
i had lots of guy friends because friends can’t hurt you. you can control a friendship. you can limit the impact it has on you emotionally. when i dated guys, i only went out with the ones who were more into me than i was into them. i was always the one in control, always the one who determined how long the relationship lasted. i never fell head over heels with any guy i dated. i liked them, had fun but eventually i would tire of the obligation that came with a long term relationship and i would break up. oh i did go crazy over a few guys, but they were always the kind of guys i knew would never like me back or would never ask me out. even my crushes were safe.
so am i scared of guys? in a way i guess i am.
my dad treated my mom like shit and she let him. i swore at an early age that i would never let a man treat me the way my dad treated my mom. the result is the emotional gap, my protective layer that prevents anyone from really getting close to me.
so what about hubbie? well hubbie was the first guy i couldn’t control. he wouldn’t let me manipulate him and believe me i tried. i felt nauseous the first few months we dated because i knew i was falling for him and i knew that that meant trouble. i wasn’t sure i could get away, let him go, just break it off. and believe me i tried. i gave back one engagement ring! yet, i couldn’t get him out of my heart.
i’m tired of being in control. i’m tired of standing with my dukes raised, sporting an attitude that says “you won’t hurt me.” my hubbie isn’t trying to hurt me or devalue me or treat me like shit. he just wants to love me and it is really hard to embrace a woman who has her dukes up.
walls don’t go down in a day. i’m looking at why they went up in the first place, the dynamics that were in place, the attitudes and responses i learned oh so long ago. it is hard work acknowledging your actions for what they really are. it is humbling to admit that much of the lack of emotional intimacy i have sensed in my marriage for the past few years is actually my fault. (oh he isn’t blameless but i sure had more to do with it that i was confessing to….) but one brick at a time, i’m pulling stuff down.
here i’ve thought that protecting myself was a wise thing to do and really it has been a destructive thing to do. i’m the one who has suffered from keeping people at a distance. i’m the one who has missed out on intimacy. i’ve settled for less because of it and i tired of doing it.
this ass kicking girl has got to learn to put her dukes down….
What do you mean you have to stop reading my blog??!!
That’s an excellent way of putting it. Are we living parallel lives or what?!
This is particularly brilliant:
“here i’ve thought that protecting myself was a wise thing to do and really it has been a destructive thing to do. i’m the one who has suffered from keeping people at a distance. i’m the one who has missed out on intimacy. i’ve settled for less because of it and i tired of doing it.”
So well said. So true for me too. I may put that on my fridge. You are making some significant progress in a such a short amount of time, I’m impressed!
Wow and WOW. I love confessions:
I settled for men who were not available. The idea of intimacy with another does not compute at the moment. Trusting my self does.
You would NOT avoid Cyndi’s blog for anything in the world. And neither would I.
Interesting I should read this today. I am very much relating to your words on many levels in a different sort of way (as you know). As a matter of fact, it is my next blog post in the making. This is not the appropriate forum to go in to it, but I will say that now I may be opening myself up to much crossing boundaries that scare the hell of me. I am beginning to wonder why I can not find the happy medium. Ramble, ramble, ramble.
I am toasting you with my coffee this morning!
Remember we were talking about the older sister/younger sister differences? Well, your dating style was just like my little sister’s. She always dated guys who were way more into her than she was into them. She dumped them as soon as their desire for a serious relationship became annoying. I clearly went in the opposite direction…looking for love in all the wrong places. Where does your older sister fall in this spectrum? Just curious. You’ve got me thinking now dammit!
funny, until my current husband, i never felt i was wronged by a guy, in that “i will never be vulnerable again to men” kind of way. most of my true friends were/are guys. i have stayed in touch with many of my ex-boyfriends, with my ex-husband. i remained friends for at least a while with almost every guy i had a relationship with. my dad, while treating my mom not so well, treated me like a princess.
it was my girlfriends that gave me grief. my best friend in high school was the queen of the put-down. my girlfriends in college were few and i never quite was a part of the artsy crew i hung out with — remember i was different too — too american for europe, and too european for american suburbia. i put up walls with my girlfriends, after being hurt and criticized and stood up (for some guy) often. the women i find the most interesting and intelligent and intriguing can also be overextended and busy and impatient and unavailable. maybe i am that way too sometimes? although impatience is not one of my frequent traits.
i opened myself up to both husbands, fully and completely. my first could never bring himself to do the same, and shuttered himself away until i felt the marriage was in name only. i became attracted to someone else, and thought i should end the marriage before that went anywhere (which it didn’t). i was young and could get out, easily, and i did.
my current husband? he saw my vulnerability as a nuisance, a bother, my feelings as unimportant, and, well, that’s the long story of my blog. but he is the first guy to do this to me. maybe that is why it is so hard for me to believe it happens.
sounds like your therapy, and following blogger friends, is making a difference. i am glad
oh my so many comments to respond to…i may have to do this in spurts. let me take them as they came….
cyndi, i know your blog kills me. you say things that i have written in my journal. you mention things that make me think you have been eavesdropping in my brain. it is weird sometimes. and then you go and post stuff that makes me think, that challenges me and then i have to analyze myself and think about what is true of me and not just what i want to be true and by the end of the day, i am just tired dammit! also, thanks for your encouragement on my progress. my counselor said the same thing. i think she has been surprised too. i just know that this has been coming for awhile. i know it is my season, my time to do this and i think i am getting some supernatural insight into some things. it really makes all the difference….
dawn, i’m glad you like confessions. i don’t like making them! intimacy with another isn’t computing eh? well you do have a lot going on right now. maybe a pause is the most prudent course of action.
tammy, of course your comment has me intrigued. i guess i will have to wait for your next post to fully understand where you are going, what boundaries you are afraid of crossing. don’t be afraid! my guess is you have found the happy medium more than you think you have. often we think we are being extreme when in reality we are just judging ourselves too harshly. tomorrow i look forward to toasting you with my coffee while reading your post! no pressure….
cyndi, ok now things are really getting interesting. plus it is about time i got you to thinking! all’s fair…… my sister, wow, where to start. she never liked guys that were any good for her. they always treated her like shit. her self-esteem was so low that she put up with anything just to have some male attention. and no matter how many of us tried to steer her in different directions, she was determined to crash and burn at the end of every relationship. i remember one guy in particular that she was in love with. he would string her along, hang out with her, mainly as friends but definitely trying to keep her close. and then the moment a girl came along that he was more interested in, he would start ignoring her. rather than flip him off and walk the other way, she would try and get him back. you know play the loyal friend, always do sweet things for him etc. she would do anything to have a relationship. it was hard to watch. so little mrs. psychologist, what conclusions do you draw from that?
lynette, like you, i actually stayed friends with lots of my ex boyfriends. i think because i never plunged in that things never got dramatic. breakups were pretty clean and we were able to stay friends. i think your situation is interesting. i have met several girls that shared a similar experience as you. they didn’t like having girl friends, they were too shallow, too fickle. for me, i pretty much always had just a couple of really close girl friends and some on the exterior just to hang out with. i was very picky about which girls i really let in. as a young person, i didn’t find many girls that were very trustworthy. but i wasn’t disappointed as long as i had my 2 or 3 that were faithful. interesting stuff….
The way you described your sister…you could have been describing me. I chased after any little scrap any guy was willing to dole out.
Conclusions? I understand your sister and I. Always trying to do more, be better, to earn daddy’s love. It’s repetition compulsion. We felt WE were not worthy of better but desperately wanted to be loved so clung to anyone who held out the smallest little carrot.
You and my sister….I think maybe you two went the opposite direction, rejecting men who wanted to love you was your way of getting back at daddy? I’m only guessing here but I do know that the way we relate to men in life goes back to what we learned as children, those “absolute truths” that we stopped questioning long ago.
I don’t think either way was conscious and that’s why you and I are challenging ourselves and each other now. We have realized our absolute truths are based on outdated information. I also think it’s fascinating how differently we sisters acted out our issues.
In your case I think it’s astonishing that you realized anything at all because it doesn’t sound like you’ve had any major “event” or series of events that prompted you into self-awareness (unless I missed some posts or you haven’t written about it) AND you’re making progress quickly. Just so you know just how amazing your progress really is….I’ve been in therapy for over 2 years and you know how into it I am and I just wrote the posts you referred to within the past 2 months.
That is so weird that I’ve written things that are in your journal. I promise I’m not eavesdropping on your brain! I have to say that I feel much less nuts knowing that I’m not the only one. So, thank you!
cyndi, you have some interesting thoughts on the sister thing. my sister always was a daddy’s girl. she didn’t get along with my mom at all. she ran after my dad’s approval for sure. she did all the things, made all the choices that she thought would please him. she even asked his advice before every major decision. me, i was never a daddy’s girl. i never ask his advice. he has a hard time with almost every decision i have made. do i treat men the way i do to get back at him? i don’t know. in a sense i guess i do. so you are astonished with my progress eh? don’t be. i haven’t told all in this blog. and for now i can’t. there was something major that happened, a time that really broke me and opened my eyes to the reality of where i was, who i was and where my marriage was. maybe someday i will get to share all that. sorry to be discreet, but even in an anonymous blog there are reasons for why i have to be. at least for now….
Gotcha. I completely understand the need for discretion. Normally people stay blind to their “issues” until something BIG (to borrow Dawn’s favorite word) happens.
I was definitely not a daddy’s girl. I loathed him at the same time that I was desperate for his approval. This whole younger sister/older sister parallel is fascinating.
Maybe you simply liked the feeling of power over men that your dating style provided you…
yeah you got me. i was like “how in the hell did she know!” i thought you really had gotten hold of my journal somehow! i guess that means we have to be thankful for everything that comes our way even if it hurts like hell. if it awakens us, then it is good. i’m definitely awake. maybe for the first time in my life.
and yes, we must continue to study this sibling thing. maybe we have a book in the works!